


Conflagration

by Anonymous



Series: Jars of Clay [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!, ハイパープロジェクション演劇「ハイキュー!!」| Hyper Projection Play "Haikyuu!!" RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Angst, Conflict, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Family, Female Sakusa Kiyoomi, Female-Centric, Gen, Genderbending, Love, Other, POV Female Character, POV Second Person, Responsibility, Romance, Short Story, Stream of Consciousness, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension, emotional struggle, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:28:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29354232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Alternate universe, 25/5/ 2018. 11:38 am.Sakusa Kiyoomi was given a chance to escape from family, but will she take it?
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Series: Jars of Clay [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2156472
Kudos: 2
Collections: Anonymous





	Conflagration

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by “Eveline” by James Joyce 
> 
> The characters are combinations of lots of people I met and deal with in real life.
> 
> I do not own the characters from Haikyuu!!

**Y** ou looked out to the window for the fifth time today. The brown unattended fragments of plants, the coal-black ashes mixed together perfectly and covered the hill outside of the apartment. The trees were bent, broken, darkened and twisted. You thought you smelled the suffocating burn again – but it was impossible: the fire occurred weeks ago.

You continued to stare outside, watching the stillness of the ruins – or perhaps, you were staring at nothing. It was particularly impossible for you to see the wild boars now. Still, the chipping and screeching of the Blue Magpie reached the living room. You stood up at once, leaned closer to the window and searched the ruins from afar – honestly, you never knew why you desperately wanted to search for it. You convinced yourself: this was a hobby, this was something you did since childhood. There were no signs of the birds, so you sat back down on the sofa. Your feet could not quite touch the ground. A fire broke out in the hills a few weeks ago – you evacuated with your mother. The hills burnt, it turned a stage showcasing nature’s worst form of beauty, it burnt for a few hours. Everyone watched it burn, but few discussed _why_ it burns. Your apartment was fine, the estate was fine – but the hills were far from fine. Your clan was fine - no one got hurt. At least, your grandmother and mother, the two matriarchs were fine. Your 10 cousins, 5 Aunties were fine. A part of you _burned_ with the woods, a part of you wished to run away.

You were consented to be free. You could run away from it all. Atsumu was offering the opportunity.

You vividly remembered the days, when you were no more than a child, you would absorb the view of the woods from afar. Mother would pull you away, for _you are wasting time._ Grandmother would stop her from spoiling your fun, _she is just a child Yuki._ Mother just didn't understand, it was impossible for one to admire the woods at night. Sure, one could still hear the dogs barking from a distance or the whispering of the insects, which were hiding among the leaves – you suppose you could hear the scene, but you hated not _seeing_ things. You used to count the wild boars that crossed the area or count the birds that landed on the tree nearest to the window. You thought grandmother was the one who knew you back then, she let you have fun while mother was engaged with the clan affairs.

A light jest on your shoulder, you turned around. You knew that jest, you knew the gesture, it was Mother.

“What are you doing here child? Mourning for the hills? Don’t tell me you spent your whole morning crying over a small forest. You weakling, what would crying do? Your tears won’t bring anything back, your tears will not miraculously grow trees. You, you child possessed by backwardness! Come, come help me, and yourself and wash the rice for the family. Make haste!” Mother ordered.

You unwillingly stood up and made your way to the small kitchen in the house. You knew better than to ask Mother what she was doing. But you imagined her sitting down at her desk, slipping some dark coffee ( which she was not supposed to drink) while flipping through a pile of documents. Those documents didn’t belong to her, you, your sister and your Father though – they belonged to your Mother’s siblings and your widowed, maternal Grandmother. Those documents might be your cousin’s report cards, it might be school application forms, it might be body check results of your Aunties. You didn’t know, you didn’t want to know. - Mother was an unofficial clan leader even though she had three older siblings and two younger ones She was the head, the decision-maker.

You washed the rice smoothly without wasting any grain and left it soak in water for 10 minutes. The doorbell rang and you opened the door, it was your grandmother. You bowed to her. She took off her shoes and waddled into the apartment. Mother welcomed her with a few quiet words.

“The forest hasn’t recovered yet?” Grandmother asked.

“No, it hasn’t. It will grow back later.” Mother replied.

“Kiyoomi, my good grandchild. Brew us some tea in the kitchen.” You briskly reentered the kitchen again.

You slipped quickly and quietly back inside the kitchen, brewing some black tea for the guest and cooked the rice. You set out a cup and warmed them with boiling water. If you accepted Atsumu’s confession, would you brew tea for him every single day, while he was on the way home? Would you cook for him every day? You didn’t mind doing so - you would gladly take care of him. Katsudon. Tamagoyaki. Scrambled eggs. Origiri. That cute asshole would not survive if his brother was not there to cater to his needs. He would need someone - that someone could be you. What kind of tea would he like?

Grandmother complained outside. She always did, she was only capable of complaining or making incorrect accusations against the poor housekeeper.

“She is rotten – she doesn't eat the stuff I left for her. She decided to wash the cooking tools when we ate, how dare she enter the kitchen without my permission? Curse that creature, that dog! She must have taken that habit from your useless sisters! No one enters the kitchen without my permission! I picked out and left some chicken for her last night, and she doesn’t eat it! She threw it back onto the plate! She is rotten and a spoiled brat. I picked out some food for her, and she threw it? How dare she! Ungrateful creature! Oh! Not to mention - she touched the tea! Who was she to brew tea! ” Grandmother spat the words to Mother.

You imagined your Mother nodding unimpressively and inattentively to the accusation. She was used to it, she knew how to deal with Grandmother’s short temper.

The cup was filled with tea up to the brim, you took it outside. You placed the cup gracefully and gently on the table. The two matriarchs of the clan thanked you with little enthusiasm.

“You shall pack up the leftovers tonight, inside the fridge I mean. I am afraid that half-wit will throw it away. Or pack it up and give it to your niece, just don’t waste it.” Grandmother said as she drank the tea. Suddenly you have the impulse to poison the tea.

“Kiyoomi, my child, fetch us the letters.” Grandmother instructed. You agreed and soon returned with a stack of them. One of them was addressed to mother, the writing could not be mistaken – it was a letter from your elder sister. _To Yuki SAKUSA._ She rarely wrote or text, this must be important. You felt something thick inside the envelope, probably some pictures of her married life in Germany. It was hard to imagine your sister to be married. In Germany. You gave it to your mother with trembling hands, begging her to read it. Your Mother threw that letter on the table half-heartedly and it almost slid into the bin. She didn’t even spare it a glance. You knew she understood the significance of the letter.

And you wanted to yell at her.

But you didn’t.

Mother opened the letters with an unknown seriousness on her face. One of them was a letter from an airline company, addressed to uncle Kenta. Uncle Kenta lived somewhere else, he had a factory to attend to there.

“How was your brother, daughter?” Grandmother asked, holding the letter.

“As usual.”

“Has he found someone? Someone to marry I mean.”

“He had Mirai.”

“That uneducated brat! Insensible, caddish and wicked child. Speak not of this ill-bred witch at once. ”

“Mother, it was Kenta’s choice. He chose Mirai despite of the risks, let it be-”

“Let it be! How can you say so? You daughter of the devil! That Mirai would destroy the household, bring shame to our family- are you going to be satisfied when our household burns with her ambitions and air-headed nature?” Grandmother argued.

You exchanged emails with Auntie Mirai frequently. She treated you well - at least she would give you sound advice. She was more like a friend than that of an Auntie. She would like Atsumu, you were sure. You should have written an email to her about this. Shit, you forgot about it completely. You wanted to leave, but you could not. You hated arguments, how people shout mindlessly to get things done in their favour. A shadow on the white wall. Dust. Fungi. Small, furry, white, dust, dead insects, shells. Crunch. Crash. Legs. Don’t. Shit, spider cobs, 8 small unblinking eyes, black, juice, Don’t clean. half-dissolved victims. Clean it, wipe it off. Frogs. Rats. Pitcher Plants. Wet. Sticky. Flies. Germs. Burn it. Don’t. Mother would scream at you. Grandmother would cast you out of the house. SAKUSA KIYOOMI DEEP BREATHS. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. D-E-E-P B-R-E-A-T-H-S Slowly. Sloooooooooooooooowly. That’s it. _Performance, think about it as a mere performance._ Mother once said.

“Yet you wanted him to get married, Mother.” Mother replied, signing.

“Yes- yes he had to get married. His father, oh dear, died for 10 years already and still, he was unmarried. Yes, he had to get married … but not to Mirai. I will not allow her to step inside this household as the next matriarch in line.”

“I understand your concern, I do. She is ill-bred, a child that will never be satisfied. She would bring danger to our family. Their relationship was an act of self-destruction: both were not-headed, determined, headstrong and ambitious. But you, Mother never said anything, or did anything.” Mother said as she tore off an envelope.

“Well it is you, all of you who wanted her to stay. All of you always give decent compliments. Tell me, do you seriously want me to set a fire to the family by expressing my ignorable disapproval ?”

Mother said nothing for a while.

“I suppose Mirai could be the matriarch under one circumstance: she must not stay here permanently. In fact, the more she stays away the better. At the same time, someone shall be in charge. Look, my daughter, I have 5 daughters and most of them are not leader material. Stupid, insensible, have but little taste. Ha! 11 grandchildren I have too – some of them, most of them are not meant to study. I can see it, don’t think of me like a half-wit. No one, apart from your eldest daughter and Kiyoomi, has entered University. I would not waste time negotiating with your elder daughter – she will too burn us all. The only choice I have is Kiyoomi. What do you think, my daughter?” Grandmother asked Mother.

Mother was shocked, her white lips slightly parted revealing yellow teeth. You think of _Reihenhaus_ \- yes, yes. Your sister taught you this word. This was the first time you saw her shocked – in fact, this is the first time you saw her being… human.

“But mother - this! This is…! Don’t you think-” Your mother reasoned.

“Aye! You all are like this: spoil your children and make them useless. Who will take up the responsibility if all of you useless scum scramble away? Are you all in a competition? Everyone is being like this! I was so very disappointed in you when you married that pathetic scum - Ha! And he died. I told you not to marry him, daughter. You ought to be the clan leader - and you betray us! You could have a stable life - we could protect you… Do you care or not? A fire is approaching and burning down the clan. I have spent all my life, all my life to save this family and you - ungrateful brat!”

“Mother! Do not accuse-”

“Then why are you not offering her to the clan?”

Mother was silent. Still. You watched all of this happen. Numb. Passive. Ras-le-bol. You knew this was bound to happen. Somehow, you were the one to collect their messes. Mother already lost - there was no negotiation. Mother could not save you - she tried her best. She tried her best. She tried her best. Would atsumu protect you - yes he could. You should tell him. You should accept his confession - he will keep you warm. You knew it - he would fight for you - but at what cost?

“See? Cowards, cowards, cowards…. How did I raise six cowards? Oh! Your father on the other side would - Aye. Yes, she, Sakusa Kiyoomi shall be the clan leader. Make sure she was not distracted though - we would need her. She would be a Sakusa, from the beginning to the end of time.”

“Mother how could you-”

“It wasn’t up for you, up for her to decide. Either she leaves the clan once and for all with her pathetic choice of spouse, or stays loyal. Her marrying someone would be social suicide for us. We could not afford another male version of Mirai in this household.”

“I am sure someone could replace her. How about Motoya?”

“Who is that?”

“Your granddaughter - your 6th grandchildren.”

“Ah! I remember that- a total disappointment. She could not help me. She didn’t know how to arrange my stuff. Her cooking was tasteless and her tea was...absolutely revolting. She couldn’t manage the affairs of the family. I shall not permit her into the kitchen, ever again. Thus, she is out there meddling with a classmate. Whore.”

“Look mother, Kiyoomi could not be the matriarch - she was suffering from-”

“Suffering? Who are you to determine if she is suffering or not? I, I starved my whole childhood. I married your father at 13. I went through 7 pregnancies alone. I alone deal with the loss of - Still I have to run the clan! Who are you to say someone has suffered? NO ONE SUFFERS MORE THAN ME. Maybe she did. suffered from hysteria or mental illness - but that will never stop one from performing duties. Replacing her? You are certainly out of your mind! Who could do that? Your sister’s daughters? We certainly cannot rely on men - they will twist the core values of the clan. Kenta is not to be trusted do you hear me? We certainly cannot rely on your eldest daughter - insensible girl!”

“Mother! How dare you abuse my daughter-”

“She chose to get married and move to Germany. That slut betrayed us!”

Grandmother picked up your sister’s letter and tossed it into the bin. You retrieved it back. Your mother thanked you - and tossed the letter onto the ocean of documents in front of her. In rage, or in shame you grabbed the letter and retreated back into your room. It was useless to trifle with grandmother - there was no one, but your long-departed grandfather could smack some sense into her.

Deep breaths. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 2. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. -You didn’t want to become the matriarch - you simply could not. Dirt on the floor. Don’t clean. It is alright. You won’t die. DON’T. You have to leave - you have to. You could not let them distinguish your fire. You should go to Atsumu. You should go to your sister. They would build a home, a warm cocoon there. You could hide. Why weren’t you begging your sister to take you with her? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. But would Grandmother abuse your mother even more intensely? No, you were not a slut. No. No. No. Don’t clean the dirt. Do it for mother - reject Atsumu for mother. For mother. For mother. For mother.

You opened the letter (the letter was clean, the letter was clean) with trembling hands - 3 freezing ultrasound photos stuffed inside. A _I am a girl!_ card crucified behind the photos. You were about to be an Auntie, an Auntie, an Auntie… the joy bloomed and rooted in your heart, your lungs, your eyes, your tongue - you choke on the flesh-tearing prospect and rapture. Your sister was happy - a husband, a house, nice in-laws, a dog, a daughter: she was free and happy. She was living the life of her dreams - perhaps you could get yourself a man and be happy like her. Atsumu. You could accept his love. You two would probably adopt a dog or a cat. Escape this hell - but would you enter another? Would the in-laws impose responsibilities onto you? Do you have to be a cold heartless statute in another household? No. Don’t. You would toss your mother into everlasting damnation. Don’t be stupid.

Atsumu. Miya Atsumu. Atsumu Atsumu Atsumu. You mouthed his name, whispered his name. A prayer. A plea. Memorizing the movement of the lips, your tongue. You two shared the same class - the history course. You two spent hours in the learning commons to complete homework. He asked you for help, and you roasted his stupidity. He teased your ugly as fuck handwriting, you pinched his cheeks. He stole your bread, you drank his coke. He would spat at your face, and call you various nicknames. _Omi-kun, Omi-omi, omi, mimi, ooooooOOOOOOOOooooooooomi, Kiyo-chan, Kiyo-Kiyo, KIYOOOOOOOMIIII, KIYOKIYOOO, princess, the love of my life, yoyo, KIIIIIIKIIIII, KIYCHAN,kiYoooo, ssssaaaaaKUUUUUUUUUUUssssa ,_ until you apologised. _Geez Miya stop with these nicknames!_ Honestly, you didn’t know why you would hang out with him, or staring blankly at a boring research paper on your laptop while he told you lame jokes.

Atsumu confessed his romantic feelings for you a week ago, after a lecture. The day was sunny, and you had a shitty linguistics lecture. You pushed open the heavy door and - there he was, the prideful boy Miya Atsunu standing there. His eyes lit up when you plunged inside the brownness of his iris.

_“Omi-kun!”_

You stopped in your tracks. Turned around - perhaps in the fashion in which the movies and cheap rom-com showed, at least you hoped so- Miya Atsumu gazed at your wide-eyed. A hungry cheetah. You have never seen him like this, not even to his twin brother. You hated it, you hated how the gaze burnt through your soul.

_"What, Miya?”_

_“Soooooo cold omi-kun!”_

_“Stop this ridiculousness Miya.”_

_"Look Sakusa - I’m tryin’ to have a civilised conversation with ya. Just tell me if ya don’t want to talk - but don’t you dare fuckin’ - ”_

_“Geez I get it. I am sorry. Do you have something to tell me? I am kind of on the run from the wrath of the professor - Mandy right now.”_

_“Mandy huh. I hate her too. Borin’ as fuck.”_

_“Geez Miya, get to the point.”_

_“Alright. I… I love… I love you a lot. I have loved you for a few years now, ever since we were both high school students.”_ He confessed. His blush burning in the face. People saw you guys, and they sent curious yet surprised glances. 

You wanted to laugh, seriously- you whole body, your soul flicked dramatically with the silliness of the prospect and the meaning of _romance._ So much that you wanted to laugh, to sing, to scream. But you didn’t- you controlled your fire. Mother always warned you, _Control the flames of passion in you child. It is the fire that makes a bad matriarch._ And even though this was your first time being confessed to, you knew laughing melodramatically in front of him probably will get you punched on the face.

_“Well… what did you like about me?” You ask, contemplating for a moment._

_He took a deep breath, blushing._

_“I like how passionate you are. I like the fire inside you - I mean, the fire-AHHHARRRRR- screw it. I like how serious you are towards your work. Not giving up until it is done and perfect. I like how passionate you are. OH God I sound like Mr.Darcy - Shit. I like how warm and how loving you are to dogs ! And Cats! And - what’s that animal called - Hed-Hed- Porcupine? No no no no no - it’s not a porcupine- what’ssssss the name again- ”_

_“Hedgehog?”_

_“Yes! I like how warm your hands are !”_

_“What? We have never held hands-”_

_“AHHHHHHHHH! I mean - that time when ya pull me away ze ducks at ze pond-”_

_“Did we?”_

_“Ya grabbed my wrists! And ya’re so warm and shit I sound like a freak which I’m not-”_

_“ Don’t shout right into my ear MIYA!”_

_“FOR GOD’S SAKE YA’RE SHOUTING TOO -”_

_“OH SHUT UP-”_

Atsumu and you shared a similar turn of minds. Both were direct, determined, tough and untouchable. People tended to avoid you two if they had any choice at all. You asked him to give you time to decide. His mouth slightly dropped, frowned slightly and blinked twice. Probably that was because it was unheard of you to pause before making a decision.

But he didn’t question it, he smiled and gave you time. Sometimes you hate how considerate he was. You wanted to hold on to it. He is the candle, sustaining you. And you remembered Grandmother.

Now you are playing with your fingers, the small unsteady ( dying?) flame flickering inside you. You didn’t know how to tell them, or if you wanted to tell them at all. Probably the latter – you mother would throw a tantrum. Definitely. A tantrum. Deep breaths. 1, 2, 3 - a speck of dirt on the ceiling. Fungi. Sticky oily slippery - No, it was always there. Don’t clean. You would not die. Mother would forbid you to see him. _You either get out of this clan with your man, or you stay loyal._ You ought to remind your grandmother of your age: 22. But you knew better than to piss the matriarchs off. Somehow, she did this for good, and you ought to be grateful. You ought to be grateful because she was teaching you how to be a proper matriarch. _The clan is everything, they provided you with so much._ Clan? You thought about Aunties and Uncles who got married into this clan, they were warm and consistent. Candles on the church altar. You thought about your widowed Grandmother, freezing the earth whenever she went. You thought about your mother, how all of them and she herself extinguished the fire inside her. You never asked your mother why, but she probably would say something along the lines of _it is for the greater good, for the family._

You stood up in a sudden sense of terror and panic. The fire inside you exploded, lashing out and blazing your soul. It wasn’t warm, it wasn’t the gentle igniting of the soul – you have to leave. Escape! Escape! But there was nowhere – you didn’t have friends, you didn’t have anyone to turn to - Atsumu – yes Atsumu! He could keep the flame inside you burning. He could keep you alive. In a haze, you messaged him, asking to meet up 15 minutes later inside a local mall. You stated at the ceiling until the phone rang- he replied affirmatively.

You excused yourself, asking for permission to leave. Your Mother frowned and proceeded to interrogate you. Where are you going when are you going to be back why are you going who is there who are you meeting with do I know that person are you going on a date you are not dating anyone you have the responsibility of becoming the matriarch don’t lie to me are you even listening answer me I am doing for your own good think about your family think about your old grandmother don’t be like your sister don’t drink coffee don’t drink tea don’t drink milk tea don’t go to the toilet alone don’t forget to call me you never called me don’t roll your eyes at me I am doing this for your own good don’t forget the hand sanitisers remember to call me where are you going are you coming back for dinner who are you going with can you call a friend…

Your mother finally let you go and you were late. You texted Atsumu to let him know about it. You cannot really blame mother, even though you wanted to. You know she is looking out for you, she is looking out for the future of the family. The dusty air invading your face through the mask, the skin above your lips were wet; people on the streets staring at you; an elderly feeding a fire inside a tin bin with a stack of joss paper. The paper burnt, twisted and blackened into nothing but dust - blending with the wind. A bell rang, probably from a local church.

Would it be sensible to let your family burn? There were too many problems, their relationship between you all shattered already, there was nothing anyone could do to fix those anymore. Would it be sensible to let them all burn, and thus starting again? Grandmother would not let this happen. Mother would not approve of your relationships with Atsumu. Atsumu was not a terrible person per se - but you simply could not ignore the tug in your heart. Grandmother would not approve of him, approve you two. You would have a shelter, you would have support, you would have food under the roof of the clan. But you would have a life with Atsumu - the life your sister had. But who would take up the job? There was no one - no one at all. Your mother would have to strive for the clan till her last breath. She would be lifeless, a cattle. The forest near your apartment. Grandmother might not permit you to visit her for the last time - or to attend the funeral. You turned the corner, making your way inside the frozen icy mall. You could seize the chance, you could make sure you have a life. You could escape to Germany - your sister could ground you. But it would take years - you were in university now. Atsumu was the only hope - but was that fair to him? Atsumu loved you - you knew he would save you, he would sacrifice the world, the stars and the moon for you. He would bury seeds in your life. His love was a tsunami- magnificent without escape. Grandmother might injure him, burn him into crisps. Could he put Atsumu through this? Was it fair? Was this fair to your family?

You sat down at a bench. A figure sat beside you - Atsumu. His round face accompanied his small pointy nose. Sparks performed in his brown eyes. He smiled at you. You saw this smile before -the smile your sister’s husband gave her. You held onto it, you desperately grabbed this lifeline. Atsumu whispered something into your ear. He smelled of curry and tea. Earl grey. Your grandmother’s face burnt through your mind, leaving the scars behind. Your family members, their conversations, their behaviours, their arguments rioted in your mind. You imagined your family crumbling.Would this break their hearts? Could you scramble back into Atsumu’s arms? Your heartbeat fast, your soul turned and agitated within you. Would this break his heart? Could you two still be friends? Yes yes, you two would be friends. Atsumu liked you after all.

“Omi-kun?”

You looked at him wide-eyed.

**-End of story-**

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first completed fan-  
> fiction. I would like to express my utmost gratitude to the Beta-readers, who pointed out mistakes in the first draft and supported me. I would like to thank Lord Jesus (Hallelujah 🙏🏻) and my family. :) Without them, getting this work published will be impossible.
> 
> Some of the dialogues are authentic.


End file.
